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Friday, May 18, 2007

depression


It's been a while since I blogged. There are various reasons for this, but in the end I suppose the greatest reason must be laziness.

My life has taken on a strange new rhythm that I am not sure I want to get used to. Sometimes I feel like a housewife. How do they cope with the same dirty dishes, dirty house, dirty clothes, dirty bodies, day in and day out? It has not been going well at work either. I am a bit overworked and the bonus that I was promised has not materialized. How unwanted that makes me feel! Moreover, I haven't been sleeping too well. Someone is forever being noisy somewhere and I have grown hypersensitive, the smallest noise can drive me up the wall.

The One is ill again, more desperately than I have ever seen him before. His psychiatrist changed his antidepressant once more. The change wasn't easy, especially since he had to go off the previous medication cold turkey. The new stuff did not seem to work and the side effects were hard to cope with, so The One stopped taking them. He is considering ending his studies for this year so that he can have ECT and recover properly before starting again with his third year next year. I become terrified if I think that he has the same disease that took my father away from me.

I have (re)discovered Starcraft. It is an old game, I know, but it is terribly addictive and terribly annoying. Especially since I decided that I would not cheat in any way. It is very easy to say to myself that I will blog tomorrow night, and play Starcraft tonight.

In my defence, I must say that I did start writing two or three blogs. They may even appear here, when I have finished writing them. Their names will probably be seasons, paedophelia and christianity.

On the positive side, Mother and Sister have visited on two occasions. It is good to have a little contact with family, even though our relationship has changed dramatically from what is was a few months ago. I wonder about some of my other family. Will I ever see them again? Probably only at a funeral or a wedding. But there are nobody of my generation left that are unmarried, so it will probably be at a funeral, everyone being polite, hiding their feelings. How I hate that!

I'd better stop now. I suppose I am a bit depressed as well. What a selfish little thing depression is!

Written by I

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