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Tuesday, June 05, 2007


What name should I give this feeling that is making me utterly miserable? Is it loneliness? Is it longing? Is it a bit of both? And is it terribly selfish to feel this way?

At least I know what is causing it. The One has gone to the Cape on holiday for three weeks. And I miss him very much. I never thought that I would grow as attached to someone as I have. I always thought of myself as a loner, an island, needing no-one. How wrong I was! Days before his departure I was beset by a terrible heaviness of heart that I could not get rid of. As departure day drew nearer, so the heaviness grew. I could not sleep the night before.

The One I love left me on a Saturday. I managed to stop the tears from flowing at the airport as I bravely waved goodbye. But when I got home the floodgates were opened and I wept so intensely that I got a headache. I am ashamed to think about it now. To make the rest of the day pass, I cleaned the house. Then I watched TV until the early hours, not wanting to go to bed alone. When I finally fell into bed, I was dead tired and actually slept wll. Until four o'clock when some of the people living beneath us decided to start having a party, drinking and talking in raised voices.

So I got up early and did some grocery shopping. Then watched all kinds of nonsense on TV. Then I read all the documents I downloaded concerning the new cellphone I will be upgrading to. Played some games. Then watched Lord of the Rings II. And so the first day of my loneliness passed. I stuffed myself with all kinds of fatty, MSG-rich junk. It seems the only way to dull the pain. A little. And for a very short time.

We have an agreement: The One gives me a missed call on my phone every evening when it is convenient for me to call him. I try to keep all emotion out of my voice when I speak to him, not wanting to upset his holiday. But after we have spoken, I feel worse again. Time seems to stand still.

If I look too far into the future, I am gripped by despair. If all the days take as long to pass as today did, I shall run mad. I hope that work will be chaotic. But I am reminded of an ABBA song: "I would be allright if it wasn't for the nights..."

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