Friday, April 09, 2010

crossroads

I am finding myself at some kind of crossroads.

Studying the theory of story has made me realise that I am violently resistant to change. What I have been studying theorises that the Main Character in a story will ultimately change in reaction to the story problem or stay steadfast. Since the story I have been writing has a clone of me as Main Character, I have myself in mind when I think about the story. A clone of The One appears as the Impact Character, which is more theoretical information that you don't need. Except for the fact that the Impact character in the story is the force that brings the Main Character to the crossroads in order to put him before the choice of change vs steadfast. In reaction to which the Impact Character will change or stay steadfast, the opposite of the Main Character. Watch The Fountain, and see all of this In practice. Most films.

What I am struggling to say and to accept is that I know that my Main Character, and I, have come to these crossroads where the one way means change and the other means to stay unchanged. My instinct is to take the unchanged road, but I realise that I have to change in order to continue to function. I have to change in order to retain and expand my relationship with The One. In my world, one of the struggles is that I have no idea how and where to start changing. I have always been this sullen, unfriendly and easily offended. I suppose it comes from having been hurt so many times - it seems to be a kind of defense mechanism. How do I change that? And will the change have the desired effect? Why is it so hard for me to step out of my comfort zone and be the ridiculous, stupid, repulsive person that I think people think I am?

Enough of that poop.

I would like to ask the opinion of everyone who reads this. I don't know that I will do what you suggest. It is a kind of "phone a friend" to help me make up my own mind. When I feel inspired, into which of these three media that I am familiar with should I pour my energy? How should I change?

Let me help those of you who do not know me.

Option 1 - Poetry. I love writing poems. Before I met The One, I wrote intensely beautiful poems, which took anything from a day to a few years to complete. Really. Poignant. It brings tears to my eyes. am lazy now, and simply can not find the energy to start a new poem and bring it to completion.

Option 2 - The Book. The book is very time consuming and you have to be sober. And have a continuous stretch of time longer than 20 minutes, which I have yet to locate. There is TV to watch, after all. But, I have grown personally studying the theory in terms of knowing what a socially challenged person I am. The books' name is "This water", and it is taken from dialogue in "Out of Africa": Karen says "This water lives in Mombasa anyway."

Option 3 - The Blog. I have come to love the blog and the way I can express myself here, sober or not. It is very satisfying knowing there are people all over the world that knows The One and I. Is this exhibitionism? If it is, make the most of it. I really wish there were more people reading it, so spread the word. Got an Auntie in Amsterdam? Introduce her to the blog! Watch with me on the map below how the word spreads! Conquer the world!

Option 4 - None of the above.

Option 5 - All of the above.






Thanks.

PS, I almost forgot to post a picture of Nettie Roos, a.k.a. Nikita, a.k.a. Stefina, my sometime Maltese x Fox Terrier, who we are looking after while Mother sees Cape Town for the first time in her life.

Yes, that is Lizz in her Haughty Immigration Officer outfit, interrogating N. R. Yes, Nettie's chin is quivering.

For those of you who missed the post describing the wounds on the couch as indicated on the photo, it is here.

And I almost had the perfect picture to show Queen Elizabeth the Bad, eating scraps of tuna out of the drain hole where The One had drained the can of tuna while cooking. But she heard the goddamned beep as I switched on the camera, and knew it was Posing Time. It was as if I had said "cheese" to a group of friends. Whatever.

To Henri, who I told at work today that I had studied fine art in London: of course it was a lie. I ain't never studied nuttin' in my life. A guy can dream, can't he?

I felt I should write this quickly before publishing:

Random iTunes playlist while writing this:

Joe Esposito - Lady, Lady, Lady
Faithless - Nate's Tune
Mascagni - Intermezzo from Cavaliero Rusticana
Coldplay - Yellow
Jon Brion - Here We Go
Angelo Badalamenti - Twin Peaks Theme
Hiromi - Kung-Fu World Champion (ugh)
Michael Kamen - Buck In Hospital (from Band of Brothers) (beautiful)
Who knows? - Blade Trinity Soundtrack - The Crystal Method
Discoboys - I came for you
Madonna - How High?

Wine consumed: half bottle St Morand's St Vincent (very light white) (the wine)

Just thought you'd like to know.

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