Last night was the first evening of their absence. Bambi, their fat and very unfriendly brown Dalmatian, who has to sleep in the kitchen alone since she wrecks the house if let loose in there, decided to amuse herself to ease her solitude. The other dogs are allowed to sleep in the house because they know how to control their primal urges. When Bambi's howling woke me up this morning around 6:30, I went to let her out, thinking she must be desperate to relieve herself. Instead, I discovered that she had wrecked the kitchen.
She opened cupboard doors and dragged out of them whatever she could find, shredding it as she went along. A box of All Bran Flakes, an ancient container of light bulbs, a packet of potato chips. She even got hold of a bag of arthritis tablets sitting on a counter that belonged to Trixi, the geriatric Alsatian. She ate the lot. The pills must have made her thirsty because she drank the entire water bowl filled with more than 4l of water. When her bladder became full, she used the doormat as a makeshift toilet. She tore a cupboard door off its hinges. She dragged around a little trolley with assorted crap on it and tore a dishcloth to bits. It took me more than 30 minutes to clean up the place. I'm worried that the landlords will think we had a wild party at their house and ate the cereal, chips and pills when we got the munchies.
I wonder if Bambi may be afraid of the dark like me. Maybe she goes into a fit of terror, tearing apart anything she finds. She didn't seem to have eaten much except for the pills, so I don't think it was hunger that drove her. Besides, the two bowls of dog food in the kitchen was untouched. I think I'll leave a light on for her tonight. Maybe I'll just leave her outside. On second thoughts, she would most probably bark at every mouse farting, so that is not a good idea. I wish I had an animal tranquiliser gun. That would work, I'm sure.
All of this excitement happened before The One even woke up. He was still fast asleep with an artful arrangement of dogs draped about him. Meanwhile, the cats were praying for the salvation of Bambi at the Temple of the Halogen Lamp Heater.
We also had to sleep all night with half the outside lights ablaze, because we couldn't figure out how to switch them off. Most of the lights in the house are controlled by a cluster of prehistoric light switches, some half hidden by a little shelf with a collection of dusty, kitsch objects d'art. The switches are near impossible to figure out since they seem to work in combinations. It makes me think of how the very first computers were programmed. It took me twenty minutes to decipher the goddamned combinations, running outside every time after throwing a switch to check if the lights had gone off yet. In the end, I think it was just luck that I got it right. Leaving the outside lights on all night is a good advertisement to all burglars that the owners are away.
Really looking forward to a whole week of this.
Written by I