Monday, July 12, 2010

desperate housewives

A butterfly clip went flying when we were watching Desperate Housewives and I was playing with my earring. I didn't bother to look for it then, I was too lazy/drunk. By now, I reckon it must have gone through at least two of the digestive tracts of our pets. I'll just have a look for it in the next lots I pick up from my side of the bed. Or in the next one I find outside before I kick it under the landlords' wrecked car in the driveway.

Which brings me to the state of our flat. As you can see on the accompanying photo, things have gone a little beyond our control. But, The One had been helping out at work for a few days and had not been home to clean property. It was work/eat/sleep/work... . But then my sister said they wanted to come visit on the weekend and we had to clean the huge, congealed mess in a hurry.

The state of the place is evident from the photo. The dogs had joined in the fray sometime and shredded newspaper for a more festive feeling.

It took us four hours to get the place somewhat dirty, as opposed to filthy. I had a moment of genius and decided to wash the net curtains. They were obscenely grubby and freshly cleaned curtains make a really musty place smell better. While waiting for our heavyset, trusty LG top loader, Gertrude, I mopped the floor. Then Disaster struck. The One oddly keeps old newspapers in Gertrude, and I had stupidly placed the curtains on top of it and washes the whole, messy lot.

As I lifted the curtains out of Gertrude, I saw the fluff and thought a curtain had committed suicide. But I soon saw the bits of paper for what they were and took the mess outside to shake out. The problem was of greater magnitude than I had anticipated and I showered the immediate surroundings with artificial snow. The snow stuck airily in the layer of moisture on the newly mopped floor. I heard the landlords' home phone ring and knew it was one of the neighbours, phoning to complain about the mess. As luck would have it, the landlords were not at home and the phone was not answered.

Finishing shaking out the paper, I went inside. I looked like a wizened Santa, come in out of the snow. The fluff clung to every polished surface inside. Sigh.

I  put the curtains in Gertrude for a long rinse and spin. I swept the floor and even vacuumed below for the odd stray fluff. The one went outside and swept up most of the fluff's family before the landlords returned.

We had become housewives, desperate to get the place better before the family came.

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We all enjoyed the visit. We discovered that Vicky is extremely shy of strangers. Lizz unfroze enough to be absolutely charming and desirable. Alfred tried to rape Geoffrey on the floor in front of all the guests. We all tried to ignore the doggie porn.

Both The One and I decided that we would not perform our matinée concert after all. We would practice more and give it the next time.


We regaled the guests with tales of our cleaning endeavours and my sister said their place was also messy. She even sent a picture.

I still think ours was worse.

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I haven't found my butterfly clip. Yet.

Written by I
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