This morning at exactly 2:14 (AM) I woke up in a pool of tropical perspiration with a baby Rottweiler panting patiently in my face. It didn't take me long to work out that the electricity was off. The artificial breeze from the fan had been terminated and all of us on the bed were melting into a dark and distasteful marinade.
Luckily, with all the security lights and street lamps around us, it is never dark inside our house at night by any means - the most perfect arrangement, given my nyctophobia.
So I dragged my overworked ass out of bed and checked the neighbours, who all seemed to have electricity. I got that too familiar feeling, like way back in school - being the odd one out. I checked the house's distribution board and found that the earth leakage switch had tripped. It refused to stay switched on and tripped as soon as you pushed the infuriating little green lever upwards.
Given my intelligence, I worked out that I should unplug everything, switch off all the lights and try again; perhaps then I could isolate the main culprit. Unfortunately, we know that nothing ever goes as planned. Fail.
I went back inside after having had a fag; the dogs joined me and danced jubilantly around my feet while the moody cats stared at me rudely. I tried to figure the bloody electricity out and maimed some plugs and light switches I thought might be faulty. Fail.
Everything unplugged and switched off? Yes, I even dragged the bed with The One sleeping peacefully on it away from the wall to unplug the glorious fan, the lamp and the clock radio. He didn't even budge.
I switched off the stove. Fail.
I tried a combination of curses and stomping while wildly throwing the diabolical switch, only to watch it trip. Fail. Fail. Epic Fail.
On top of all this, most BlackBerry owners in South Africa, Asia and Europe are experiencing BIS and BBM downtime, which is somewhat disastrous since we have been forced to revert to the ancient tedious art of texting and phoning to connect with one another. The One and I have been rather severely hit with no internet to boot. This will become known as the Great Disconnection of '11.
The One visited his therapist and the clinic and I crawled into hell for most of the day so we didn't have time to analyse our electricity situation until I dragged my miserable and abused ass back home from my torturous goddamned job some time after 18:00. We were suddenly faced with another hot night with no fridge, lights or fan. No hot water either.
Fortunately I have a superhero for a brother-in-law. Cas is better known as Mr Fix-It-All and he replaced the popped earth leakage switch, which turned out to be the problem, in a jiffy. We are back on the grid and sucking electricity like there's no tomorrow.
Hope BIS comes back online soon. And if I find a new job, my little magic circle of happiness will be complete.
Written by I