Well, it's not strictly true. I did sleep for about ten minutes last night.
We watched Delicatessen and then Amélie and went to bed around 23:00. It was hot but the fan usually cools me right down and pacifies me with its rickety whirr. Last night, however, I found the sound irritating and cycled between being too hot under the cover and too cold out of it.
Besides, we stupidly allowed Anna to sleep on the bed as a special treat. She started out at our feet but she gradually crept her way between us, radiating like an electric blanket. At one stage she turned around and I had the displeasure to suffer her exhaust gases.
I'd run out of my usual bath gel some days ago and I had to use The One's very harsh Protex a few times. Unable to sleep on the overcrowded bed and with Amélie's music playing in an endless loop, I also had to face a patch of itchy skin in the centre of my back where I could just not reach it. Some fanatic mosquitoes attacking my feet completed the setting for an endless night.
No, I forget about the intense heartburn that ate at my intestines like a worm gnawing me from the inside out, despite the fact that I had taken my Eno just before bed, a remedy which usually prevents this. Besides, I'd only had a toasted tuna-mayo sandwich with wholewheat bread and low fat canola margarine at 19:30 and nothing to eat after that. No alcohol.
Around 3:00am Anna suddenly became very alert and on guard. She growled a bit and then started barking. At a cat sitting on the piano. At Pippin moving in his sleep. At the Alsatian down the street. When I couldn't take it anymore, I got up. I barely missed drowning in the warm pool of urine she had strategically deposited in the door. There was no way I could have missed it.
I blotted my feet on some newspaper and went to sit on the couch, checking the action on Facebook and twitter on my phone. Then Anna started madly barking at my face illuminated by the phone in the darkness and would not stop until I loudly chased her off. If any of the neighbours heard, I wonder what they thought.
All the while The One slept soundly, softly snoring. Out of frustration I went outside to have a fag, leaving Anna behind so she wouldn't bark at every bloody bee farting in their sleep. I bravely walked around the house, checking for monsters. I felt ready to bite a tiger in the tail. I even checked around the car and went all the way down the driveway to check the street. Sadly, it seemed no monsters were to be had.
I sat down in our second rapidly decaying camping chair and watched the sky become lighter; how beautifully the painted pink clouds appeared. A cool breeze blew and absolutely nothing could be heard except every bird cheerily chirping. Pippin merrily joined in the joyous choir. It was utterly serene and calmed me. I went back to bed and lay resting even though I was awake until the alarm woke us at 8:00am. I braced myself with a strong black coffee since we had to travel to the towns to get supplies.
I wonder why I was unable to sleep. Guilty conscience, what?
Written by I