Stupid jokes are doing the rounds; silly as they are, they capture the essence of the situation.
As I type this I'm wearing only skimpy sleeping shorts with two fans running at full speed aimed at me. Even so I feel very much like a rotisserie chicken in a fan assisted oven. I had a cold shower 30 minutes ago but I'm already covered in a thin film of drying perspiration. Every surface inside is warm to the touch - even clothes taken fresh from the cupboard are balmy.
It is impossible to go outside for too long; if we really have to venture into the blaze we go in pairs because the sun will fry us at a stroke it finds us alone.
When we were toddlers, on hot days my cousin and I used to throw tadpoles onto a searing corrugated iron roof to watch with glee as they sizzled and popped. I suddenly have a pretty good idea how those poor creatures felt.
We're experiencing the second heat wave for this season and temperatures have topped 39°C (103F) for the past three days. Sadly, there is no end in sight - what little rain we had evaporated the instant it hit the scorched earth. The air is incredibly humid, making it extremely uncomfortable to be alive at right now.
Of course the garden suffers as well. I water if and when I can, watering restrictions being in effect. I'm afraid my efforts are not proving particularly successful and I am barely keeping the parched plants from complete cremation.
The heat has also permeated people's minds and tempers everywhere flare at the slightest provocation. I witness this at work daily. There is no air conditioner, only a medium-sized water cooler which we named The White Elephant. It manages to drop the temperature by a measly 2°C, at the same time adding 70% humidity to the stuffy office air.
When all the machines are warmed up and running, even the most docile among us is ready to tear half cooked human flesh from someone else's limbs at the drop of a hat. All the same, some people will always be more aggressive and irritated than others, a characteristic exacerbated by these extreme temperatures.
I discovered a solitary refuge against the searing heat in the car on the way home in the afternoon. I know I'm probably raising global temperatures by tens of degrees all by myself but I run the aircon at full blast, serenely watching the other fools in traffic suffer.
This afternoon when I got home the neighbors had parked right in front of our gate, barring my way. It looks like they're busy building a tower to the sky and they'd come to inspect the builders' progress.
Lowering the window I felt dusty, blistering air displace my icy artificial breeze and I found myself instantly enraged.
I guess shouted at them a bit too loudly as they moved their car. Must have looked like a real tit.
Written by I